


The reason why

by YanderePuppet



Series: Confidant [2]
Category: Dirge of Cerberus: Final Fantasy VII, Dissidia: Final Fantasy, Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, On The Way To A Smile: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Character Study, F/M, M/M, Mental Illness, Seriously. He needs help., headcanons, poor Cloud, yandere!Sephiroth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-16
Updated: 2016-05-16
Packaged: 2018-06-08 21:22:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6873832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YanderePuppet/pseuds/YanderePuppet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>{He wondered why. Always had, but it'd been nagging him lately. Why did Cloud hate him so much?}<br/>This is going to be a collection of character studies, mostly ffvii centric, mostly sefikura. Maybe some others too. Part of the confident series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The reason why

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Character studies are fun. I’m bored (Should be writing my english essay but...meh. That won’t take long. I’ll do it later)

He was wandering around. The fighting had stopped temporarily, so he was pondering many things. Things he _needed_ answers to. He knew his curiosity was his fatal flaw.. But he still indulged it simply because… well, what else was there to entertain him? Well… other than….He sighed, too agile and balanced to even begin to trip as he walked into a giant cog.

“What precisely are you doing in my……” There was a pause as she searched for the right word. “Lokation?” He turned, looking at her.

“I was unaware that there was any rule against wandering on our side.” He replied simply, eyeing her exposed …. everything.. with disdain. Not that he had much room to judge, he supposed.

“Klearly you want something.” Ultimecia replied, eyeing him warily. “People like us do not wander without reason.”

Glowing green eyes closed. She wouldn’t dare attack him regardless. Chaos had already banned infighting. Not that it wasn’t there at a subliminal level, power hungry psychopaths tend not to get along with one another after all.

“I’ve been… thinking a lot lately.” He said simply. “Perhaps I simply want a second opinion on my thoughts.” He opened his eyes again, shifting his position to look bored while he crossed his arms over his chest, and leaned back on the wall.

“Why me?” She asked, haughtily. “Is it bekause I look the most like your mo-” She quited with a flash when she saw his expression, a little chilled, a little excited. They were about the same strength, a fight would surely be… fun. But they couldn’t, so he didn’t press his anger, merely deflected the mood by asking his question, lazily looking around in mild disinterest.

“Why doesn’t yours hate you?” He asked simply. She looked at him.

“My…. what?” She asked simply. But then he saw the gears in her head grinding, when she came to a realization. “Why doesn’t Squall hate me? Is that what you’d like to know?” She said, smirking in a way that would chill an ordinary man to the bone. But he wasn’t ordinary, or even human.. He merely blinked, turning his own smirk on her.

“It’s quite sad how little he seems to think of you is all.” It was a barbed defense. Nothing more. Something to deflect any doubts that he was bothered by it, to make her say what he wanted to know without him having to ask. He could see she wasn’t fooled, but she indulged him anyway.

“I never made it my personal mission to destroy him from the inside out is all.” She said, mocking, as though she thought is was something a toddler could figure out. “My fight with him was never personal. It did not damage him in any way. In fakt, it reunited him with his father, and repaired his relationship with Seifer,. It forced him to get over his fear of abandonment. He has friends bekause of me.” She continued. “I was never more than a job to him, a mission. I may have hurt him, but it was never deliberately aimed at him. He was merely the one who fought.” She shrugged. “Anyone would hate you in Kloud’s shoes. It’s a matter of how you treat him” He snarled.

“And what would you know of his feelings?” But he stormed out before she could answer.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“What do you want?” the lazy drawl came, as he stalked somewhere else.Eyeing the pillars surrounding them, he glanced over to the other Chaos warrior. He remembered thinking somewhere in one of the earlier cycles that this man was nothing but a nuisance, however… it seemed Cloud didn’t mind him last cycle In fact, he recalled them getting along rather well. Which greatly irked him.

“Trying to sound unamused doesn’t suit you.” He replied. “You may not be quite as… forgetful as they seem to think.”

“Just because you regained your memories yet again in sheer spite of _them_ does not mean I’m half so secure.” That high voice replied, almost musical in its sound.

“Drop the act Kuja. You aren’t fooling me.” If anything, the dramatics gave him a headache. Oh he could just imagine a certain red headed, poetry loving asshole from his own world simply _adoring_ this little annoyance.

“Zidane seems fooled. Do you think it’s enough to keep him that way?” The drawl came back, seemingly bored but he could hear the concern.

“He’s never hated you before, why would he now?” Sephiroth asked with a shrug. “If you’re so worried, why not just stab him in the back so he never knows. It’s not as though one of the others won’t do it if you don’t.” Kuja met him with a glare worthy of one of Cloud’s moodier days. And that’s definitely saying something. The blond had always been a spitfire, beneath the bored act.

“I understand you lack a conscience,” The other silver head began ”but what about that seems an appealing or beneficial plan?”

“It’s simply the most logical course of action.” Well, he’d admit, Kuja’s morals might be dubious, but… They weren’t on the same level in any way, shape or form, as his own. He’d do just that and more to Cloud, if it meant that the other warriors , and chaos himself, wouldn’t be able to even _touch-_

“Ah yes. Coming from a man who attempted to blow up his planet while still inside of it, that sounds perfectly logical.” Kuja said, sharp and witty as ever.

“Says the man who nearly destroyed everything in a _temper tantrum_.” He replied with a smirk. “Just like a child. No wonder your precious brother couldn’t save you. He surpassed you long before you even...” He dodged the firaga thrown at him as he finished his sentence.

“At least he forgave me. At least he can stand the sight of my face. It pains him only because he cares. Does it pain you to never see that from anyone? Does it pain you that _he_ despises you and everything you mean to _him_ ?” With a loud _shink_ he buried the hilt of his sword next to Kuja’s face, effectively threatening him. “You wouldn’t-”

“Don’t test me.” He growled. “If you want your head to stay in tact, you will tell me exactly _why_ Zidane feels so “friendly” toward you.” He wasn’t expecting the bitter smile that Kuja met him with. Didn’t matter, he still smelled of fear.

“I don’t recall ever taking anything from him. You know, you think you’re the only one here with problems. At least you can control your own emotions. At least you were _born_ with them. Don’t you think Zidane understands me being unstable? I never got used to the power of the emotions in the soul I was given. I never knew how to calm myself, Garland never understood how such things worked. You think a mad scientist is bad, try having a _robotic_ one for a father!” He stepped back in shock at the fury of those words. “Imagine..” Kuja continued, sounding broken. “Imagine seeing that someone else was about to go through the same thing. The minute he gave Zidane that soul… I knew that I couldn’t just let him do that again. So I wiped his mind. I ran and dropped him off in another world to live like a normal person, rather than looking and thinking he’d look better in pain. I _rescued_ him. He would cause my death, but he deserved more than that _thing_ could have given,  I never hated him, he knew that. Underneath all my fear he was.. _Is.._ still my little brother. Do you understand? I _tried_ . I told myself it would be _easier_ if we hated each other. It never happened. I’m not cruel enough.” He looked away. “Why do you think I never killed in person? The summons, the Black Waltzes. They were all there because I _hate_ the sight of agony. Because I’m not some worthless sadist like you!”

“That can’t…” He thought… this was too much. He fled. He didn’t want to think on the implications any longer.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He turned at the sound of hissing. Cloud of Darkness. How dull. He turned back around, and continued walking.

“We heard you have been asking questions.” She said in her monotonous, snake-like voice. He met her empty, hollow eyes.

“Why should one such as you even care?” He questioned.

“Call it curiosity. We wondered why you were asking such. We do not understand the obsession you have.” She cocked her head at him Sephiroth "blinked" slowly. She truly did bore him

“Do you not care what befalls your…. Onion knight?” He asked, more out of politeness.

“That child doesn’t exist. We believe he’s a representation of our world’s chosen warriors. Onion Knight was a Job. A class. Not a person. Our last enemy looked quite like you.” She mused a little. “Just a child, but the hair… His eyes were purple, however. And he was overly kind. I never understood. His name is Luneth. I do not care or know of it’s significance.”

“So then, you are fighting an illusion of your world?” He asked, curiosity peaked.

“He may well be one of the warriors who came before.” She mused. “Ages ago. He likely forgot his true name. It does not matter.” And with that, she floated on. He wondered, bemused, if all of this was some strange spiritual penance. Did he care too much?

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He was wandering more. He refused to speak with that worthless clown. His games were more annoying than useful. Exdeath was a tree, so what would he know? The Garland here would tell Chaos anything he asked, and his musing would be too suspicious. Golbez cared little about the fighting, and Sephiroth was done with those who had a conscience. Kuja’s feelings still left him shaken. Jecht would be of no use. No, he’d avoid the chaos warrios for now. He had one final opinion to ask, and he could feel that person approaching.

“ _Cloud…”_ he started, back still turned to the blond. It was both a show of mockery, and a way to remind him of the first time…(he almost expected to find the Buster Sword pierced through him one more, Cloud yelling and angry and smelling of smoke) He’d even done it subconsciously. Was he truly that twisted? He forced himself to turn. “I……” Where to even begin?

“What do you want?” Cloud asked, getting straight to the point. He was staring in a way that was both intense and absent. It was his own fault that this…. That Cloud always felt conflicted with himself like that. His fault that their feigned boredom, their disinterested glares were the same. He could feel a small thrill in the back of his head at the thought. He shoved it down.

“Am I…. Am I a horrible person?” He asked, trying not to sound as if he cared. Cloud’s face showed no signs that he caught it, but a brief glance inside should he had.

“No, of course not.” Cloud said, words heavy and soaked in sarcasm. “It’s not like you’ve ever _hurt_ anyone just because you could or anything-” Barbed, defensive. He’d taught Cloud to do that as well. It was all….

“I’m sorry.” He said. He didn’t expect it to make up for anything, didn’t expect anything really.

“Liar.” Was all Cloud said, but he could see, could _feel_ the hope he pushed aside, the raw emotions ( _guilt, longing, anger, fear, agony)_ the thoughts ( _don’t fall for it. Don’tfalldon’t fall. He’s just going to_ **_useabusecontrolhurt_ ** _again)_ He turned away. He couldn’t take it. No trust anymore. He used to be able to sway him with words alone once. He’d taken too much advantage of that. That and everything else.

“...” He didn’t know what to say, and it seemed Cloud could see that.

“Why’d you call me here if you weren’t going to fight?” Cloud said. “This is pointless. Even more pointless than if you had.”

“Everything’s “pointless” to you anymore.” He said, without his usual mocking tone. “Did I really break you _that_ much?” He didn’t need to be looking to feel Cloud flinch, to see all the implications roll through his head.

“Hmph. Sorry for not being the unbreakable monster you want me to be.”

“I’m not the only one of us who does it.” He finally utters. “Don’t bother denying it. I know…”

“It’s not your business what I think of myself.” And there was the usual defiant tone. “I’m not some stupid _toy_ that you can just push around.”

“I know.” Was all he said in response. “I know you aren’t. I also know it’s my fault that you hate yourself. I’m the one who made you doubt more.”

“Why does it matter anyway.” Cloud sounded despondent. “It’s already happened. I’m no more infallible than you were.” There was a pause, a slight catch to his breath. “What’s gotten into you today? You aren’t… acting like….. _You.”_

“When did you forget that I wasn’t always this way?” He pressed. “When did you forget that neither of us started out this way?”

“When I forgot who I was. When you took my self image and shattered it. Maybe when I grew up not having one to begin with. I built myself on ideals before then too. I just..”

“You’re going fuzzy again, Cloud.”

“If you don't like it, then stop. Get out of my head.”

“I’m not the one doing this.” He said, looking over. Cloud looked up, and he could see his eyes changing back and forth at rapid fire speed. “You know you’re doing it to yourself. Don’t pass it off over misplaced guilt. It’s not your fault that you’re broken.” Cloud looked away from him. He brushed a finger down his cheek, watching as the blonde shuddered and shied away, only to turn back around with unblinking, green eyes. “Why do you do this to yourself now of all times?” He asked.

“Because I can’t deal with myself.” The emotionless voice came. He remembered a time he used to revel in hearing it like that, seeing his own eyes in that face. Now he just shivered.

“That’s not an explanation. What thought are you defending yourself from? You know this is bad for you.”

“Hardly worse than a coma, really.” The blond said, and while it sounded like him in words…. His voice, his face… He had grown to hate this. He hated when people said Cloud lacked facial expressions. He could tell every minute little shift, he knew all of the expression Cloud had perfectly. A miniscule shift in he brow, a slight widening of his eyes, a deepening in his scowl… He knew how to read him. But this side of Cloud… This side really had no expressions. It didn’t even blink. It was, in words of his own a year ago, boring. It was also eerie to think he did this to him on purpose once. That he’d continued to do so, had found enjoyment, even _pleasure_ in it. ( _It’s because I love him)_ he’d told himself. ( _because_ they _stole him. I won’t let him leave)_ He shuddered. Those eyes looked at him still, just as green and unblinking as his own (he could will himself to blink… he just… rarely did.)

“Cloud…”

“I’m not ready.” The blonde finally said, childishly playing with a buckle on his coat.

“Not ready for what?”

“To think of you as a person again. I don’t think I can, really. Don’t want to anymore.”

“You don’t like me this way?”

“The monster is easier to understand.” Blank eyes looked up at him. “I’ve forgotten what the person was like, and I wouldn’t know how to deal with him. Besides, it’s in my nature to avoid things that bring me joy anymore. It only makes me afraid they’ll be taken away too.”

“Your cherophobia is something I know well, Cloud… I just… didn’t think it applied to me.”

“You’re ignoring what you’ve seen in me this whole time. I’m not the only one here who avoids the truth.” A little blue showed through. “It’s only natural it would apply to you, the person  my entire life is centered around. Yes, to your earlier question by the way, you have broken me already. I’m not… I’ve always been flawed. You know that.” There was a little emotion coming through, but not much. It seemed more like it was leaking through than that Cloud was fighting himself again.

“I’m sorry-”

“Don’t be.” Cloud shook his head. “I’m not ready for that.”

“Then what do you suggest I do?” He said, sounding worn, tired.

“Do what you do best. Hurt me. More and more, Even I say I don’t like it… It’s what I’m… used to…” There was something raw there. “People always do it. I was never good at making friends either, but… I’m not entirely like you. I don’t want to make them all hurt for it. I just…”

“You’ve become a masochist.” He finished. “Rather than a sadist. The perfect compliment to my level of fucked up.”

“I… well… yeah. Pretty much.” Cloud said looking down. “That’s what I meant when I said broken. I’ve turned into what you… wanted of me. Except now you don’t.”

“I’m just… Tired of fighting. It used to be fun. Now I just want… _you.”_

“Then take me.” It sounded so simple. “By force if you have to.”

“I want _you_ not...this.” He said. “I want you to be able to think without me there. I want you to have your own opinions. I..” He choked a little. “I wouldn’t take back anything else I’ve done. This is my only regret. I just wish…”

“I never said it had to be this me. I might break, but I don’t shatter. I’m not glass, whether you see through me or not. Don’t stop just because of that. I can handle it. I _want_ it, underneath everything else. I want you to be cruel and abusive. I want to _hate_ you almost as much as I hate myself.” He should not find such words so exciting, but it was almost like his concern just left. He brushed himself against Cloud’s lips, seeing the blue and the expression return, knowing he didn’t remember what just happened, and simply said.

“If you want the monster… then I suppose that’ll have to be what you get, won’t it _Cloud.”_ He flicked out his tongue, tasting the salt from sweat, and the sour _bitter_ tang of mako on those lips. “The agony, the misery- all of it. You needn’t worry anymore. I’ll keep supplying them.”

“What are you on about know?” Cloud asked brusquely. But...he could see the excitement, the _fear_ , in those eyes. He felt a rush again, just like usual.

“You shouldn’t question me so much, _Cloud~.”_ He all but purred, “After all, you’re the one who asked me for this.” And with that he vanished.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


End file.
